Divisional Playoff Predictions

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (-3)
The battle of two teams that no one really likes and somehow always manage to play against each other. From what I can tell, everyone on both teams is just angry and mean all the time. It’ll probably be a low-scoring effort with a lot of defenders being really excited after they tackle people for 1-yard gains. RAWR I’m a fierce bird. Anyways, The Steelers are probably going to win 16-14, so I’m taking Baltimore against the spread in this one.

Green Bay @ Atlanta (-1)
Look, Aaron Rodgers is my boy. They never run the ball, and he has a fantastic beard. I fully expect the Packers to ride his mustache all the way through the Falcons mediocre defense. The turning point of this game will be when Clay Mathews nails Matt Ryan in the backfield, then strangles him with his hair. Roddy White won’t even hit 50 yards receiving, and the Packers take this one handily 24-13.

Seattle @ Chicago (-10)
I mean, sure, Seattle is supposed to be bad, but 10 points? Chicago isn’t even that good. Which Cutler will come to play today? The one who throws TD passes, or the one that’s decision making skills resembles mine on Madden when I’m drunk and down by 21. In snowy Chicago, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to take Chicago even with the 10-point cushion. If I had to guess, I’d say the Seahawks don’t even bother coming back out for the second half. Anyways, they’ll be getting killed and it won’t be worth playing. Chicago 31-6.

New York Jets @ New England Patriots (-9)
Everyone outside of the Northeast United States is going to try and decide which team they hate less to cheer for in this game. Most will probably he hoping the stadium just explodes at some point during the game. Even if that doesn’t happen, I think the Jets will keep it close the entire game. Rex Ryan is extremely fat, so he’ll be much warmer and more concentrated than ole Billy. On the other hand, he is also kind of an idiot. So is Mark Sanchez. So is Braylon Edwards. Tom Brady is so good he just does whatever he wants. TD to a fullback, no problem. Second TE, sure why not. Grow long, beautiful Adonis-like hair, dance around, then throw a bomb to Branch while banging a supermodel – yeah ok no problem. But, he also knows he can do that, and he knows the Jets are bad, so I think he’ll just mess with them, for a while and then win by 7. I think they’ll win, but they aren’t going to cover. Patriots win 17-10.

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